Long ago, I set a goal for myself of writing a book. I figured that is I was going to be a real, professional, paid novelist, it would be kind of integral in the process. The thing is, writing is hard. Like any other skill, it takes years of tireless consistent practice to hone, and no matter how seasoned and efficient you get, no matter how great a writer you become, your success lies in the hands of many people whose interest is not quite as vested as yours; your editor, your publisher, your publicist, and finally, your readership. Each one of these can be a massive mountain to traverse. Breaking into the writing business, undertaking anything really, can seem an impossibility if we sit back and think of all the battles to be fought, and hurdles to be overcome.
This is why I have started writing this blog. Adding a daily entry will help me get in the habit of writing, improve my keyboarding skills, and set a foundation for my "style". In my dreams, this thing is going to take off, get half a million followers, and I'll be able to walk into any publishing house in NYC and demand a huge advance before I ever write a page of my first novel. Or better still, the publishing houses will come looking for me! I could start a bidding war for my first novel BEFORE I ever scribe a single sentence!
OK, bad memory recall here... but this is what I wanted to write about today, while the above may be true, it is just a segue to the story i wanted to share. "I could start a bidding war, over me"... remember that phrase.
OK, step into my time machine and set the dial for February 1989.
I was in 12th grade and winter carnival was fast approaching. Someone had the bright idea of doing a "pie in the face auction" at lunch period in the cafeteria to raise money for graduation. It was a brilliant concept. "Problem" students bid on the vice principle in charge of discipline. "Jocks" would bid on their coaches who just made them run wind sprints all practice, female student would all want to bid on the cute english teacher right of college who always quoted poetry in class. Just about every teacher you could put up on the block would generate a flurry of bidding activity for some reason or another. Revenge, attraction, simple admiration, the reasons could be endless. The senior class was going to pay for the whole prom with this one event! I was on the prom committee, and I have to admit, we were totally thrilled with this idea. We had tried bake sales, car washes, raffle after raffle, and at this point i think we were at about 25% of our goal. If this went off like we thought it would, we could reach our fund-raising goal in one fell swoop, and I could stop trying to peddle chocolate bars outside of Zellers on friday nights.
Sometimes crucial moments in our lives happen and remain suspended in our memory forever. These moments can recalled and relived over and over like they JUST happened for decades. Moments like your very first kiss, or, I'd imagine finding out for the very first time that you were going to be a parent. We become acutely aware of every detail of our surroundings, the smells, sounds and colors, and we have those instant replays right there for the rest of our lives. Tremendous triumphs trigger this for me, however, so to devastating defeats.
There we were, all set to dismiss the meeting and seek out the teachers to get on board for the auction when Adageo VanMilligan said these life altering words:
"If we are going to make all this quick dough off the teachers, let's put a bunch of students up for bid too!"
He wore a green sweater. These was stirring outside the room as students passed by carrying books, holding hands, chattering about the morning class and the weekend parties. The desks were lined up in a 3/4 circle facing each other. I could smell the "almost-chicken parmesan", which was the entree of the day in the cafeteria for lunch. Maryanne was on my right and next to her, John, then Michelle, Cory, Alex, Paul and Deidre. Jerry was on my left, followed by the other Maryanne, Adageo, Patty and Christine. There were student projects pinned to the wall in front of me displaying the foods of various regions of the world. The carpet was red. The room was painted in an off white, like the color used in hospital hallways. I felt a chill run up my left arm, tickling every hair as it shot up to the shoulder and skipped through my neck. As Adageo was speaking these words, the sky grew very dark, and just as he completed this fateful sentence, thunder rolled off in the distance. At the time I never thought much of it all, I mean we did live in Nova Scotia, and the weather changed rather quickly and just as frequently. Looking back now, I recognize it as a warning from God.
I wish I had said, "Shut up Adageo", instead of letting greed move my lips more to the tune of, "That sounds great man!"
Well, we brainstormed to come up with the students we would put up for bid along with the teachers and staff. Park View Education Center was made up of over 1000 students, so it was very important to select not just the right amount students and only those who would bring in big bucks. We decided on a dozen. Homecoming king and queen, hall monitors, a few potential valedictorians, we could appeal to the same emotions that would drive the bids up on the teachers. Sex appeal, revenge, even hatred might just translate into a better band at prom, more grandiose decorations, a nice selection of finger sandwiches. This was all becoming SO easy!
So we decided on 11 students after an hour or so of brainstorming. We would get them to agree to it by any means necessary, school spirit being first sell, then the spotlight, heck, we'd even bribe them if it came to that. There wasn't much PVEC students wouldn't do for one of the cafeteria's strawberry milkshakes. A pie in the face was certainly an easy price to pay for such a treasure. So 11 were in the bag, and we seemed to have run out of steam. After another hour of less effective brain storming, I made the mistake of opening my mouth yet again.
"If we can't decide on a 12th, I'll do it."
I was kind of a big man on campus. Captain of the Hockey and Track teams. Involved in several other extra curricular activities, I had a really good looking girlfriend, so I thought that there had to be someone out there who hated me, or was jealous enough of my high school success to part with a few bucks to get even. "I'll go last," I said, "you know, save the real prize to close the show," I said arrogantly. Sometimes it is better to just keep your mouth closed. I wish I had learned that lesson the day before this meeting.
A week later, auction day came. We had 20 people up for auction. 10 adults, and 10 students. For a potential crowd of over 1000, that seemed reasonable. Some of the dozen students we tried to convince declined the offer, despite the milkshake bribe, but we felt that we could still exceed our goal. Students had been pooling their money, and whispers of some of the auctionees going for over $500.00 had been heard by a few of the grad committee.
One by one, we put them up on the stage, and we told the students why they should hate or love them enough to bid, and we were AMAZED at how things went. The first person we put up was Cute English Teacher. The bidding was furious, and so were many of the boyfriends of the girls bidding. His price flew past the $500.00 dream right out of the park and went to a group of freshmen ladies who had pooled their cash for over $600.00!
Then we put up the homecoming queen. The girls who lost out on Mr. Poetry, used the cash they saved to win this one to the tune of over $400.00, outbidding homecoming queens boyfriend, who put up a good show, but was secretly happy to lose. The girls had a great time shoving the pie into perfect makeup and hair. Homecoming Queen left the stage looking like a wet dog to a HUGE round of applause and laughter,
Down the list we went. Bidders were having a genuine good time. Pictures were taken for the yearbook, I don't think there was one single student anywhere else in the school. This event was going even better than we ever imagined, and we had some pretty high expectations. The basketball coach went for $300.00, The Librarian for $250.00, Valedictorian even topped $200.00. Before I had the chance to get on the stage, We had raised over $3000.00! The top bid getters were actually tied. The Vice Principal went for $750.00 and the sultry female french teacher who never wore a slip and loved to stand in front of the windows matched that, The Nerd Herd got her, and i think it was the closest thing they all ever got to being luck to this day!
Finally, it was my turn to get up on the stage. The whole process was going very smoothly by now. I was introduced, and the MC gave lots of reasons to make students want to bid on me. I remember thinking he may be going overboard quite a bit actually. I was convinced i could fly cure cancer by the time he was finished. He opened the bidding and just like that, all of a sudden, in a room full over over 1000 people, the only noise made was coming from a cricket who had found his way in the school before the frost hit, and had avoided capture by crawling under the dishwasher in the kitchen. What, in reality was only a few moments seemed like the longest month of my life. No one bid on me. Not one person. The silence was deafening. Has they already spent all their money? Yes, that HAD to be it. I mean, the valedictorian got $200.00, come on! My friends started snickering, enjoying the moment a great deal in fact. The horrified look on my face was the gasoline being tossed on a fire. Soon enough the whole school was roaring in laughter at me. It was "Carrie" all over again, without the pig's blood of course, but no matter how hard I tried I couldn't rain fire down on the crowd and incinerate the taunts and taunters alike. At that point, this was definitely the worst moment of my entire life. Worse than getting "pansted" at the pool by my aunt when I was 12 in front of the entire Carey clan. Worse then when my mom found the picture of Christine Pernette which I had cut out of the 3rd grade class picture and decorated with hearts and "Xs and Os". In fact I would gladly have relived every other time I had wanted to go be able and crawl in a hole and die a hundred times, to make this moment end.
Then after forever, from somewhere in the back, a voice cried out, "$1000.00!" Adageo VanMilligan had run around to every cell of bidding groups who had fallen short in their efforts, and convinced them to "donate" to the cause. "$1000.00", he repeated, screaming now, in order to be heard above the laughter. Seizing the opportunity, the auctioneer slammed down his gavel and yelled, "SOLD!"
I often try to imagine what direction my life would have taken had Adageo not done what he had done.
Later on I learned that the guys on the hockey team had planned the crowd's silencing. I don't know how they kept it from me and still got the message out to the other 1000 students, and staff, but I have to hand it to them. They got me. They got me good.
Maybe creating a bidding war for myself is not the thing I really want to do after all?
;-)
Oh, and the free sex and beer, well tune in tomorrow for that tip.
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